A Tiny Peek Into My Crazy...or not so crazy...Life

kinda bummed...i tried to get a loan w/my rents...denied. not sure what to do now...know anyone who wants to cosign a loan with me? doubt i...life sure does suck

So, I have kind of been avoiding LJ after my last post. Mostly because seeing comments about my last blog kind of gave me the heebie jeebies...not because of what was said...more so because it reminded me of what I wrote. I pretty much live in a constant state of denial and avoidance. Ah well....it suits me for now. Also, it has been a pretty busy week for me at work and I have been totally playing Sims 2.

I went to my parent's house this afternoon and got some sad news. My pup (okay...dog), Matty, had a stroke this afternoon. Or she might have an infection. She might not make it. Well, Matty is like 12 years old. She has arthritis and ear issues (I think she's going deaf) and she has problems seeing. I am okay. Matty might make it. If she has the infection, she should be okay. We won't know for a couple of days at least. I love my dog. I call her my pachie ( I think it's because of Lindsey and her dog, Pochie, (that's the name, right?) and Pacha from Emperor's New Groove). I really do love her and I am upset, but she might get better. I have this kind of weird thing with death. I am okay with it. It is sad for me, but I get that it has to happen. I know that one day Matty will have to go. I will cry. Of course I will, but I have accepted that she will die and probably soon. I don't know. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. I will miss her when she does die.

On a happier note...the game on Friday was pretty great. It was a lot of fun. It was me, Ashley (a girl I work with), Susan (one of my bfs that I have known since 3rd grade), Ashley's ex Tony, his friend Jesse, and Jesse's brother, Joey. We sat up in the nose bleed section...like 438 or something. First of all...I am MOTHER-EFFING AFRAID OF HEIGHTS! It was scary, but once I sat down I was okay. The 7th inning stretch was horrible...I stood up for about 30 seconds and that was it. I totally had to sit next to a Cubs fan, though. He said he was a nice one, but as soon as they got the first run, he turned to me and started giving me crap! Then we got a run too and we were tied and I turned to him and was like "Look at the score now!" LOL. It was fun. At one point, Ashley asked me to go to the bathroom...and I said "I am MOTHER-EFFING AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!" But I went with her. I didn't even have to go. It was funny...we got in line (Cause of course there's a line) and I practically shouted "I don't even HAVE to pee!" The girl in front of us said then you're in the wrong line or something and that I had better really try! It was funny. Susan and I had an awesome time. So did everyone else. There were these girls in front of us who were obsessed with Ryan Braun. They screamed so loud every time they said his name. And they had a stick with a bear (CUB...) attached to it by a length of string or something....like it was being choked. It was kind of interesting...it took me a while to get what it meant....it was a teddy bear....shut up! Jason Kendall got a double and I totally love him. And I yelled to Ashley who was about 3 or 4 seats down...."That's my boyfriend!" Every time there is someone she likes, she says it's her boyfriend so I was making fun of her. It was funny. At one point, the Cubs fan next to me turned and asked what the score was.....he didn't really pay attention the whole time, but I think he was trying to be kind of funny...and I looked at him and said "5 to 1....us 5...you 1..." And we laughed. Also, we were on the end of the row...like seats 1-6...and there was a Cubs fan going up to his seat and he yelled "We're still number 1, though" And I looked at Susan and Jesse and said "Oh no...he got us there! Can't argue with that one..." We all laughed...it was just funny....like duh! Maybe you had to be there. And something I didn't know until we were on our way to Miller Park was that Susan is a total Cubs fan...I mean...WHAT? I consort with a Cubs fan? (Actually, she's not the only one...a woman I work with loves the Cubs too.) I forgot that her parents were from Illinois and stuff. Plus it's not like I was really interested in that stuff before this year. I can't believe all the stuff I missed out on! Geez. Oh well. We left at the top of the 9th inning because...well we were up by 4. McClung was pitching...I love McClung. I am totally going to get season tickets...when I can afford them...probably in 10 years...most of my boys had better still be playing. for the Brewers! So, when we left Ashley was a biiiiiiiiiiittt drunk...by a bit I mean a lot. Susan wanted to get out of there (she drove...it was just us girls)....and Ashley was so slow...I thought Susan was going to hurt her. Well, Ashley had to go to the bathroom and took like 5 minutes, then we finally got out and Ashley ran off to get a cigarette from someone. Susan went and got her...it was funny. And Ashley didn't find anyone with a cigarette so she was complaining...so I went and found a lady right away and got one for her. Then as we were walking back to the car (Dodgers 6...far away!) Cubs fans would yell at us as we passed...stuff like "We're still the champs or Go Cubs or something" and Ashley would proceed to yell back "Go Mother-fucking Brewers!" or some variation of that. I thought she was going to get us into a fight or something. It was funny. On our way home, she was so funny. I could not stop laughing. I am sorry, but I LOVE funny drunk people. It is part of the reason I like to stay sober....you can remember all the funny things they did and laugh at them later. Ha ha. Susan took 41N instead of staying on 94 so we kind of went through Milwaukee instead of around it, but it was alright...although we saw a lot of fast food places and Ashley kept begging Susan to stop. Ashley also lost her sunglasses somewhere in the car and proceeded to search for them for like 20 minutes. Then she gave up and decided to eat some pretzels...then searched for them another 10 minutes until she found them. It was just funny. All in all, it was a freaking awesome night. I am glad we went. it was cool.

Well, I have written enough...I still want to play Sims 2 for a bit...and you know what...I like Friends, although I am not a huge fan, but I am watching the Hollywood True Story...mainly because there's nothing else on. Lol.

I have this incredible urge to burst into tears. I wish I could leave.

Good Lord my life sucks.

I am very irritated right now and I am not sure why. When I have kids, I don't want them to have to have a job, but I want them to learn respect and understand what it's like to work for things. But then I don't want them to not know what it's like to be a teenager. I don't want them to have to worry about money for school or anything, so that pretty much means I am going to have to work my ass off for them. I don't know. I just don't want my kids to be so tired of life by the age of 21. I don't want them to end up like me.

This is going to be short because I am tired. I haven't listened to this song in a long time. I am tired. I love this song. It kind of reminds me of how I feel...minus the AIDS part. I guess in a way you could say that I am tired of having no one to trust or to rely on. I guess I say I am so close to people, but how can that really be? It doesn't feel like it. Maybe I am not letting them in because I don't want to be hurt. Maybe I am afraid of being left behind again. I wish I had even one person I could count on. I just want someone to comfort me for once, someone to hold me and love me or just be there for me. I am so tired of being by myself. Not just in a boyfriend type sense either. I want someone who understands me and who trusts me and who will rely on me, someone that I can do all that to in return. Just one person. Is that so much to ask? I haven't been feeling normal lately. And no, Annette, this is not because of you. Well, good night..........

One Song Glory

Roger
I'm writing one great song before I...
One song
Glory
One song
Before I go
Glory
One song to leave behind
Find one song
One last refrain
Glory
From the pretty boy front man
Who wasted opportunity
One song
He had the world at his feet
Glory
In the eyes of a young girl
A young girl
Find glory
Beyond the cheap colored lights
One song
Before the sun sets
Glory - on another empty life
Time flies - time dies
Glory - One blaze of glory
One blaze of glory - glory
Find
Glory
In a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire
An eternal flame
Find
One song
A song about love
Glory
From the soul of a young man
A young man
Find
The one song
Before the virus takes hold
Glory
Like a sunset
One song
To redeem this empty life
Time flies
And then - no need to endure anymore
Time dies

Words of Wisdom


"Stop saying my name like we're friends! We're not friends! You all think I'm an idiot! A short idiot!"


(matter-of-factly) "I don't. I don't think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you, doesn't it. You have all this pain, and all these feelings and nobody's really paying attention. "


"You think I just want attention?"


"No. I think you're up in the clock tower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about the pain. "


"Oh right. Cuz the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that's a crippler. "


"You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. "


"The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. "

" If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening. "

Invalid video URL.

MIMI
It's true you sold your guitar and bought a car?

ROGER
It's true - I'm leaving now for Santa Fe
It's true you're with this yuppie scum?

BENNY
You said you'd never speak to him again

MIMI
Not now

MAUREEN
Who said that you have any say in who she says things to at all?

ROGER
Yeah!

JOANNE
Who said that you should stick your nose in other people's...

MAUREEN
Who said I was talking to you?

JOANNE
We used to have this fight each night

MARK
She'd never admit I existed Calm down
Everyone please

MIMI
He was the same way - he was always
"run away - hit the road don't commit" you're full of shit!

BENNY
Mimi

JOANNE
She's in denial

MIMI
He's in denial

JOANNE
Didn't give an inch when I gave a mile

MARK
Guys, come on

MIMI
I gave a mile

ROGER
Gave a mile to who?

MARK & BENNY
Come on guys chill!

MIMI & JOANNE
I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had,
someone to live for - unafraid to say I love you

ROGER
All your words are nice Mimi but love's not a three-way street
you'll never share real love until you love yourself - I
should know.

COLLINS
You all said you'd be cool today so please for my sake...
I can't believe he's gone
I can't believe you're going
I can't believe this family must die
Angel helped us believe in love
I can't believe you disagree

ALL
I can't believe this is good-bye

MARK
I hear there are great restaurants out west

ROGER
Some of the best, how could she?

MARK
How could you let her go?

ROGER
You just don't know ... how could we lose Angel?

MARK
Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain at least now if you try
Angel's death won't be in vain

ROGER
His death is in vain

MARK
Are you insane? There's so much to care about there's me there's Mimi-

ROGER
Mimi's got her baggage too

MARK
So do you

ROGER
Who are you to tell me what I know.
What to do

MARK
A friend

ROGER
But who Mark are you?
"Mark has got his work" they say
"Mark lives for his work" and
"Mark's in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work

MARK
>From what?

ROGER
>From facing your failure,
Facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie
Yes, you live a lie tell you why you're always preaching not to be numb
When that's how you thrive you pretend to create and observe
When you really detach from feeling alive

MARK
Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive

ROGER
Poor baby

MARK
Mimi still loves you
Are you really jealous or afraid that Mimi's weak?

ROGER
Mimi did look pale

MARK
Mimi's gotten thin
Mimi's running out of time
And you're running out the door-

ROGER
No more! I've gotta go

MARK
Hey for someone who's always been let down who's heading out of town?

ROGER
For someone who longs for a community of his own,
Who's with his camera, alone?
I'll call, I hate the fall
You heard?

MIMI
Every word
You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees
You don't want to watch me die?
I just came to say goodbye love goodbye love came to say goodbye love,
Goodbye

MIMI
Just came to say
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye

ROGER
Glory
One blaze of
Glory
I have to find

MIMI
Please don't touch me understand
I'm scared I need to go away

MARK
I know a place, a clinic

BENNY
A rehab?

MIMI
Maybe could you?

BENNY
I'll pay

MIMI
Goodbye love,
goodybe love came to say goodbye love goodbye
just came to say goodbye love goodbye love goodbye love
Hello disease.

ANGEL
New York City

MARK
Uh huh

ANGEL
Center of the universe

COLLINS
Sing it girl

ANGEL
Times are shitty
But I'm pretty sure they can't get worse

ROGER
I hear that

ANGEL
It's a comfort to know
When you're singing the hit-the-road blues
That anywhere else you could possibly go
After New York would be ... a pleasure cruise

COLLINS
Now you're talking
Well, I'm thwarted by a metaphysic puzzle
And I'm sick of grading papers that I know
And I'm shouting in my sleep,
I need a muzzle
And all this misery pays no salary, so
Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Sunny Santa Fe would be nice
We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
And leave this to the roaches and mice
Oh-oh

ROGER, MARK & ANGEL
Oh-oh-oh-oh

ANGEL
You teach?

COLLINS
Yeah - I teach - computer age philosophy
But my students would rather watch TV

ANGEL
America

MARK, ANGEL, ROGER & COLLINS
America!

COLLINS ROGER, MARK & ANGEL
You're a sensitive aesthete
Brush the sauce onto the meat
You could make the menu sparkle with rhyme
You could drum a gentle drum
I could seat guests as they come
Chatting not about Heidegger, but wine!
Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe Ah oh
Our labors would reap financial gains Santa Fe

ROGER & MARK
Gains, gains, gains

COLLINS
We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
And save from devastation our brains

COLLINS, ROGER, MARK & ANGEL
Save our brains
We'll pack up all our junk and fly so far away
Devote ourselves to projects that sell
We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Forget this cold Bohemian hell
Oh, Oh - Ohhhh, ohhhh, Ohhhh, ohhhh

COLLINS
Do you know the way to Santa Fe?
You know, tumbleweeds ... prairie dogs ...

COLLINS, ROGER, MARK & ANGEL
Yeah



Annette: Let's run away to Santa Fe and open up a restaurant...I guess Ben could come too...but only because I know you would miss him....LOL Ben. I would miss you too.

MAUREEN
Every single day, I walk down the street
I hear people say, "Baby's so sweet"
Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me,
Boys - girls, I can't help it baby
So be kind, and don't lose your mind
Just remember that I'm your baby
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
Take me baby or leave me
A tiger in a cage can never see the sun
This diva needs her stage,
Baby - let's have fun!
You are the one I choose
Folks would kill to fill your shoes
You love the limelight too, now baby
So be mine but don't waste my time
Cryin' - "O' Honeybear - are you still my my my baby?"

JOANNE
Don't. You. Dare.

MAUREEN
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
No way - can I be what I'm not
But hey - don't you want your girl hot!
Don't fight - don't lose your head
'Cause every night - who's in your bed?
Who, who's in your bed, baby?
Kiss, Pookie.

JOANNE
It won't work.
I look before I leap
I love margins and discipline
I make lists in my sleep
Baby what's my sin?
Never quit - I follow through
I hate mess - but I love you
What to do with my impromptu baby
So be wise 'cause this girl satisfies
You've got a prize, but don't compromise
You're one lucky baby
Take me for what I am

MAUREEN
A control freak

JOANNE
Who I was meant to be

MAUREEN
A snob - yet over-attentive

JOANNE
And if you give a damn

MAUREEN
A lovable, droll geek

JOANNE
Take me baby or leave me

MAUREEN
And anal retentive

BOTH
That's it!

JOANNE
The straw that breaks my back

BOTH
I quit

JOANNE
Unless you take it back

BOTH
Women

MAUREEN
What is it about them?

BOTH
Can't live with them or without them!
Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
Take me baby
Or leave me
Guess I'm leavin'
I'm GONE!

Cattell's 16 Factor Key


Factor low score high score
Warmth cold, selfish supportive, comforting
Intellect instinctive, unstable cerebral, analytical
Emotional Stability irritable, moody level headed, calm
Aggressiveness modest, docile controlling, tough
Liveliness somber, restrained wild, fun loving
Dutifulness untraditional, rebellious conforming, traditional
Social Assertiveness shy, withdrawn uninhibited, bold
Sensitivity coarse, tough touchy, soft
Paranoia trusting, easy going wary, suspicious
Abstractness practical, regular strange, imaginative
Introversion open, friendly private, quiet
Anxiety confident, self assured fearful, self-doubting
Openmindedness closeminded, set-in-ways curious, exploratory
Independence outgoing, social loner, craves solitude
Perfectionism disorganized, messy orderly, thorough
Tension relaxed, cool stressed, unsatisfied

Tonight I was driving home from my sister's house and it's pretty much all backroads the whole way home, except for a little stint through Hartford. And as I was driving I saw all these houses with lights on, and for some reason, I always want to see what people's houses look like on the inside and what they are all doing. And for the first time, I think ever, I felt a pang when I saw these lit houses. A pang for what all those people had in those warm homes. I want a place of my own to call my own, which I can decorate the way I want to, or pretty close the way I want it, with no fighting or belittling and a place where I belong. I want a place that is comforting and safe and where I can do what I want when I want with who I want. And tonight I thought about moving out and living on my own and being 2 hours away and it makes me sad to be so far away from my family. I am missing them just thinking about it. My mom, brother and I have this thing where we always play crazy 8's during dinner. We don't even have to say anything, someone just grabs the deck of cards and deals. I will miss seeing my baby brother every day. Who is no longer a baby. Does this mean I am ready, or close to ready, to moving out? My sister moved away. But moving 20 minutes away is...quite a bit different than moving 2 hours away. I want a family where I am completely accepted by EVERYONE! Not just a select few. I wonder, can I get that from Ben and Annette? And if I can, what happens when our "family" breaks up? Which it will. Ben and Annette get married, have kids, and Megan...what happens to Megan? She is left in the dust...so to speak anyway. Can I risk my heart like that again? Or can I just be roommates? I don't know, but I think and understand that....I have to try. I just have to try. If I don't then I am as weak and cowardly as I feel sometimes. And Schall's are not weak. I will NOT be weak. I am NOT a coward. I will try and succeed. Everything happens for a reason. Here endeth the lesson.

Okay, honestly, I was NOT going to type anything more tonight, in fact I was going to go to bed, but I was just looking at my best bud Annette's LJ and guess what I read? This conversation she had with some stupid-ass bitch at her college. Okay...deep breaths. You should really think sometimes before you speak...or write! I mean it was the rudest thing I have ever read before! What a bitch that girl was! And she went off on Annette because she didn't know what was going on, but yet everyone assumed that she did. Okay, just because you have a shitty day or a shitty week or even a shitty life, does NOT mean that you can take it out on someone else...especially NOT one of MY friends, and most ESPECIALLY NOT ANNETTE! I am extremely extremely pissed and I wish I had this girl's email address or aim or something just so I could rip her a new asshole and see how she likes it. Oh my goodness. I am REALLY freaking pissed. I can't even say how pissed I am. The girl was so hypocritical and wishy washy that it was even hard to tell what the heck she really meant! I mean, it was almost like she realized she did something stupid then instead of really apologizing, she just started acting and saying stupid things. No one should be talked to in this manner, no matter what. This girl has just made an enemy, and let me tell you for those who don't know me...I can sure hold my own. I am a middle child with an athletic, skinny older sister, and a cute as a button baby brother...the only boy in the family might I add, in a family where it is a game to see how badly we can make fun of each other. Grr. At least writing this has made me feel better. And calmer. I no longer have this incredible urge to strangle something. Don't worry Annette, I won't go off on this girl, it will just make things harder for you. I am sorry for what she said and for typing this if you didn't like it, but you're the only one who reads my LJ's anyway, so... well, now I am really going to go to bed. Stupid bitches....I mean honestly, some people are so childish and trivial it amazes me sometimes.

Okay. So on Saturday, I freaked out...big time. I haven't freaked out that bad since Nicole's scare last February. Which I am proud of. But then I called Annette and she totally calmed me down. I don't know what the hell everyone's problem is. Why does everything have to be made into something so bad? I don't really understand it. Why can't people just get along and understand that no matter what we ALL suffer and hurt. Somewhere along the way we will all have one problem or another, one pain or another, one drama or another. Why can't anyone understand that they aren't the only ones who feel pain? Saying things like, "I don't have time to work on our friendship, I have too many other things to think about" is just a cop-out. Grrr. I don't understand people. Like what is the deal with racism and prejudice and stuff? I have been thinking about that SO much these past couple of weeks. I don't understand it. Why did Hitler want to kill all of the Jewish people? Why were African Americans supposedly inferior to whites? Because of the color of their skin? If that is not the most fucked up thing I have ever heard in my life. WHO CARES? They are people, like us, we are one in the same. Why were Native Americans thought to be savages? Because they fed off the land? So did cavemen! And in Iraq and Iran and Afghanistan and all those other Middle Eastern countries, why do they really hate America so much that they would try to kill, and succeed at times, millions of innocent men and women? Why are we so horrible to them? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Can anyone tell me? I believe in God with all my heart and I believe that he put everyone on this Earth with a destiny and a purpose. But what I don't get is why would He make someone like Osama Bin Laden who was destined to kill hundreds of thousands of people or Hitler who wanted to commit a mass genocide against the Jewish people? Why are there things like cancer or aids or tumors or these other diseases? I don't freaking get it. Just because Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit? Because people are evil sinners? I just don't get it. What in the world makes people think they are better than someone else? So what if they have money or a big house or fame or are prettier or whatever? Sometimes I wish that the world had never been created, well maybe that's not true, I wish that the world we live in right now had never been created, or made to be like this one. With all this hatred and murder and disease and crime and rudeness and just plain old horrible living. I know and understand that there are good people out there and nice people and all that stuff, but are there really enough of the good people to outweigh the rest of the world and it's problems? Are there? I am not so sure all the time. I just don't understand.

You know...I really don't like myspace anymore. It is really kind of boring. Off the subject from above, I know, but I didn't really have anything else to say...I mean how many times can you say "I don't understand" and not be sick of yourself? A couple of weeks ago, my "lady-friend" (aka: my psychotherapist....to many letters to type out all the time and she is not a freaking doctor, so from hence forth, she is my "lady-friend". Got a problem with it? then stop reading, bitches.), made me watch Dr-Make-Me-Ill-Cause-I'm-A-Crock-Phil, or Dr. Phil as you like to call him, and he was having a show about OCD and he said that people with OCD really aren't afraid of germs or hitting someone or anything else they obsess over...it's really a coping mechanism...a horrible one, but still a coping mechanism. I kind of agree with it. I think I am trying to get over still the issues at Whitewater, but I think that might've just been the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe I am not over a lot of things. Who knows? I never really let anything out until it's too late anyway. Maybe I need to cope with: my grandma's death, my sister's suicide attempts, my sister's issue her sophomore year, the fact that my sister had so many issues that I was kind of left in the background, my jealousy of my sister, my relationship with my father growing up, my relationship with my father now, my middle school years(which I have actually blacked out most of), my high school years (especially freshman and sophomore years), my problems at Whitewater, my financial stuff, and maybe even my job right now, my bf issues.....or lack there-of, friend/trust issues, and probably most important of all...well probably not...the fighting of my parents and the belittling comments and spoutings of my wonderful, loving father. Yes. Maybe that's all the stuff I need to cope with. Geez louise, at this rate I am never going to get better...bring on the drugs! And just so you know, the best type of therapy for OCDers is medication and behavioral therapy. Both of which I am getting. Facing my fears one day at a time and the medication basically helps me to not freaking flip out so bad that I give myself a heart attack. Well, I think that I have written enough for tonight. This better not freaking delete like on myspace or someone will feel my rage.

Just so you know...I LOVE BOOTS! And Annette...and Ben too I guess...lol...just kidding, Ben.